


(i've never jumped) a chasm so wide

by soobun



Series: the world, us two [2]
Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Developing Relationship, M/M, Secret Relationship, soobin is trying his best: the fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:33:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28120929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soobun/pseuds/soobun
Summary: There’s just something about the way their eyes meet, across a room full of people—the only two in on this grand, life-changing secret. Kai can look across the room and think:I know. Us. Isn’t it amazing?and know that Soobin is thinking the same thing right back.Or: Kai and Soobin attempt to navigate themselves, and each other.
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Huening Kai
Series: the world, us two [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2060121
Comments: 22
Kudos: 101





	(i've never jumped) a chasm so wide

**Author's Note:**

> hello and welcome to another episode of my sookai agenda. no i don't know how this ended up being 10k either
> 
> this fic is a direct continuation of [every morning](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27731722), the previous fic in this series. either of them can be read as a standalone, but there are a lot of callbacks/references here, so i highly recommend reading both for the full experience<3
> 
> title from [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bG2lbOG2Bew) marika hackman song, because i'm obsessed with her.
> 
> please enjoy!

In their profession, it’s easy to tell when someone’s looking at you. They spend so much time in rooms with hundreds, thousands of eyes. Kai is used to it, by now.

But it’s disorienting, the way Soobin keeps looking at him. It’s like, now that he has permission, he can’t get enough. Like Soobin has been in the desert for years, and Kai is the sun glinting off a pool of cool, fresh water. 

Kai doesn’t mind it, obviously.

Okay, he likes it. A lot.

There’s just something about the way their eyes meet, across a room full of people—the only two in on this grand, life-changing secret. Even Taehyun doesn’t know yet. Kai doesn’t doubt that he will, probably soon, but Soobin had looked at him later that night, mouth pink, and said, “Our secret?” and Kai hadn’t been able to do anything but nod. He doesn’t know how coherent thought could be expected of him when Soobin looks like _that._

But here, now, another waiting room, Kai cross legged on the floor and Soobin in the stylist’s chair. They’ve always been able to communicate with only their expressions, but now it’s like they’re on a completely different wavelength from everyone else. Kai can look across the room and think: _I know. Us. Isn’t it amazing?_ and know that Soobin is thinking the same thing right back.

When Soobin leans back in his chair to let their makeup artist swipe that pearlescent glitter on his eyelids, Kai lets himself look. He doesn’t feel bad for admiring the sweep of Soobin’s eyelashes, the curve of his cheek. He especially doesn’t feel bad for lingering on his mouth, the source of at least eighty percent of his previous woes. He knows what it feels like under his, now. A miracle.

He sees the left side of Soobin’s mouth twitch, lips quirking up. Can he feel Kai’s eyes, still? Can he read his mind? Kai wouldn’t even be surprised. 

“—Kai-ya, are you there?” Kai whips his head around to see Beomgyu on the couch above him, fist poised as if to knock on Kai’s head. Kai flinches and scoots out of the danger zone. “I’ve been trying to ask if you want the last piece of chicken, but at this point I’m about to just eat it myself.” 

“Oh, no, go ahead, hyung,” Kai says, “I’m good.”

Beomgyu gestures to Kai’s mostly uneaten lunch box at his feet. “You planning on eating that anytime soon?” Beomgyu must think his gesture wasn’t sufficient, so he kicks it for emphasis. Kai narrows his eyes. “You realize we have to be back on set in ten, right?”

“Ah, I will,” Kai says, picking his chopsticks back up, “just got a little distracted.”

“A _little_ , he says,” Beomgyu repeats, shaking his head. “You were literally on Mars.” 

Soobin must catch the tail end of their conversation, because Kai hears him reply from across the room. 

“Let Hueningie live on Mars if he wants,” Soobin says, laughing, “maybe there are cute aliens up there.” 

“His ideal type would be an alien,” Beomgyu says, clearly pleased that he was indirectly able to make Soobin laugh. 

“Hmm? Is it true, Huening Kai-ssi?” Soobin asks, mock-interview style. He’s making that face he always does when he thinks he’s being funny. Kai is so endeared by him, even if he makes it his life’s mission to embarrass him sometimes. 

Kai doesn’t think Soobin looks like an alien, but he wants to tease him back anyway. 

“For sure,” Kai says, trying to keep a straight face, “you know I can’t control myself when I see that green skin.” Kai thinks for a moment. “And those huge heads! Unlike Soobin-ssi, their IQs must go up to like two hundred—”

“Hey!” Soobin says, looking affronted. Beomgyu is cracking up on the couch, chicken leg still in hand. 

“Not Soobin being bumped out of Huening’s ideal type list by an _alien!_ ” Beomgyu says between laughs. “That’s gotta hurt!” 

“Who said he was there in the first place?!” Kai says.

Beomgyu looks at him like he’s simple. “No one,” Beomgyu reassures him, ruffling his hair with his greasy hand.

“Ew!” Kai shrieks, scooting away. 

“There’s definitely no reason for you guys to be this loud,” Taehyun says from the other side of the couch, earphones in. 

“Tell them to stop bullying me,” Kai pouts.

“Stop bullying him,” Taehyun says, already distracted again.

“Not sure what makes you think we’ll listen to him anyways,” Beomgyu says.

“He probably has double your muscle mass at this point, Gyu-yah,” Soobin says, their makeup artist apparently finished with him, now having crossed the room to sit and pick at the leftovers in Kai’s lunch box.

“That won’t stop me,” Beomgyu says.

Soobin rolls his eyes. “Your funeral,” he says. He picks up a piece of chicken with his fingers and holds it up to Kai’s mouth. “Ah.” 

Kai blinks but opens for him easily. They’ve fed each other like this countless times, but the way Soobin’s fingers linger on his mouth is new. Something about it has blood rushing to Kai’s face. Their eyes meet, again, and hundreds of wordless emotions hang in that space between them.

Beomgyu says something about how unsanitary they are, but Kai can’t hear anything at all.

-

Kai has always wanted. The feeling isn’t new to him. He wanted to be an artist, wanted people to see his potential when he ran around auditioning with his sister. He wanted to be good enough when he finally made it to Big Hit, when he was one of the smallest in a building _full_ of potential. 

He wanted to be good enough, too, when Soobin first came up to him, clinging, deciding that he would be the one to show Kai all the ropes. He was young back then, they both were, but there had always been something there. Potential. A space left open for something more. 

Kai guesses they’ve finally made it.

-

Later that night, after dinner, Kai watches Soobin beg off gaming with Beomgyu to set up camp with Kai in the living room. 

“You know, this made sense in the summer, when you were commiserating with the lack of AC in the maknaes’ room,” Beomgyu says, grabbing a tangerine from the fridge. “but now I just don’t know why you’d subject yourself to the floor.” 

Kai can see Soobin debate with himself over how to answer, even at this distance, his mouth turning down and his left dimple more pronounced. 

“Don’t you think it’s unfair how you’re the only one who gets to sleep in the same room as me?” Soobin says, finally smiling normally. “Maybe you should reflect on how _blessed_ you are—“ 

“Nevermind,” Beomgyu says, shoving the whole peeled tangerine in his mouth. He shakes his head at Soobin, waves to Kai, and retreats to his room. 

A beat of silence after the door shuts, after Soobin walks over to sit next to Kai on the blankets. 

Has the air always been this charged when it’s just the two of them? 

“Want to play Among Us?” Soobin asks, tapping away at his phone.

Kai breathes a sigh of relief. “Look who’s asking _me_ this time,” he says, “of course, to be expected of—“

“Give it a rest,” Soobin says, fondly, “where’s your phone?”

“Oh, it’s—” Kai has to scoot and reach behind Soobin’s back to grab underneath the pillows. It’s a weird position, and while he’s searching, Soobin shifts so that he’s sitting in front of Kai. 

When Kai sits back up, triumphant, he pauses to look at their new positioning, Soobin nestled in front of his extended legs. 

“Is this okay?” Soobin asks.

“Yeah,” Kai says, heart beating a little faster. He reaches forward with his left hand, tipping Soobin back to lean against his chest. He leaves his hand resting on Soobin’s belly, because obviously. 

Soobin makes a soft noise, adjusting to get more comfortable. “Will you be able to play like this?”

Kai makes a noise of affirmation, chin resting on Soobin’s shoulder. He brings his other hand up so that he can look at his phone, too. They’re still in the waiting room.

“Wait, promise not to look at my screen?” Soobin says. A bit of a difficult task, considering the phones are right next to each other. 

“I would never cheat,” Kai blatantly lies, digging his chin into Soobin’s shoulder.

“Funny joke,” Soobin says, “and _ow,_ what are you doing?”

“Nothing,” Kai lies again, still performing an impromptu shoulder massage with his chin. He doesn’t even know what he’s doing, just that he has all this pent-up energy from being close to Soobin like this. 

He doesn’t know what to do with himself. He bites Soobin’s shoulder. 

Soobin makes a hilarious noise, dropping his phone. “Did I adopt a dog, or something?” Soobin says, turning around to rub his shoulder. “Are you not house-trained?” 

“Woof,” Kai says, nuzzling his face into the back of Soobin’s neck.

“You’re so weird,” Soobin says. “I can’t believe I like you this much,” he adds, almost to himself.

Kai smiles against Soobin’s t-shirt. He debates pressing a kiss to the first knob of his spine peeking out above the collar, but suppresses the urge. Would that be too much? 

Soobin smacks Kai’s leg. “Come on, it’s starting,” he says. 

Kai doesn’t realize until halfway through the game how worried he was that something integral about their relationship would change with their new revelation. That all their years of learning each other would somehow vanish. But sitting here in the dark, Soobin’s heartbeat melting into his through their thin shirts, laughter floating in the air, Kai knows he had nothing to worry about. 

-

“Had fun with Soobin-hyung last night?” Taehyun asks the next morning, sneaking up on Kai in the bathroom.

“Ah!” Kai says. “Haha,” he laughs nervously. He really wishes he could get out of the habit of doing that, but anytime something unexpected happens, his body is taken over by a spirit who can’t do anything besides giggle. It’s a hard life. 

Taehyun raises an eyebrow, grabbing his toothbrush. 

“Yup,” Kai says, completely normally. 

“So you guys are good,” Taehyun says. “Did anything—”

“Um,” Kai says. He doesn’t know what to say. If it were up to him, he’d probably just blurt it out. 

He and Taehyun don’t make it a habit of keeping things from each other. Kai isn’t particularly talkative by nature, but something about Taehyun always gets him to open up. He knows Soobin is the same. But he can’t open up like usual without talking to Soobin first. He thinks back to a few nights ago, to Soobin whispering _our secret,_ and flounders.

Taehyun’s already brushing his teeth, looking at him inscrutably. 

“I have to—“ Kai gestures to the door. He flees.

-

The day is filled to the brim with practice. They go through the same dance moves for the thousandth time while Soobin keeps trying to catch his eye in the mirror. Kai keeps meeting his eyes for a split second before smiling and pointedly looking away. Is this flirting?

Taehyun also keeps trying to catch his eye, but the feeling is completely different. Kai half-expects Taehyun to corner him during their 15-minute break, but he just sits in the corner snacking with Beomgyu. Kai isn’t that surprised—Taehyun has always known when to push and when to back off. It’s one of the many reasons they work so well together. 

Once practice is finally over, they have almost two hours until a late-afternoon variety filming. Everyone else starts to head out, back to the dorm, but Kai stays where he is, leaning against the stereo. He grabs Soobin’s sleeve before he can follow. 

“Can we…” Kai says, eyes glancing meaningfully across the practice room. 

“You want to stay?” Soobin asks quietly, getting what Kai means but confused as to the reason. 

Kai nods, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to have the sort of conversation he needs to have with Soobin in their packed dorm. Or, well, he could, but he’d rather not. This is easier. 

“We’re gonna stay a bit,” Soobin says, gesturing at Kai, “we’ll be back before it’s time to go.” 

Their manager looks as confused as Soobin did, but he nods and leaves first. “Have fun,” Yeonjun says, walking to the door. Beomgyu isn’t paying attention. Kai purposefully doesn’t look at Taehyun.

When everyone’s gone, Soobin plops down in the left corner of the practice room floor, where the cameras don’t reach. Kai follows.

“What’s up?” Soobin says, laying down. “I know you don’t actually want to keep practicing.”

“No way,” Kai says, “my legs are jelly.” 

Soobin turns his head to look up at him. “So?”

“I, um,” Kai starts, “I was talking to Taehyun this morning…” _Talking_ might be a bit of a stretch, Kai thinks to himself, remembering his inability to form anything resembling a sentence. 

“About us?” Soobin asks.

“Uh, kind of,” Kai says, “I didn’t—”

“Just let him think whatever,” Soobin says, eyes closed, “he’ll figure it out.” 

Kai knows it’s still early. A week hasn’t even passed. Still, he wants to tell Taehyun, trusts and respects him enough to let him in. It’s illogical, because Soobin’s right, he _will_ figure it out, if he hasn’t already, but Kai still wants to say the words with his own mouth. 

“I want to tell him,” Kai says quietly, even though he knows he shouldn’t. Soobin’s eyebrows furrow. His eyes are still closed. 

“Why?” Soobin asks after a moment. “Is it not enough to—”

“Because I’m happy,” Kai says, not realizing how true the words are until he says them. “I’m proud. Of myself, and of us.” 

The AC always leaves the practice room air cold and stale. Kai flexes his dry fingers once, twice, before looking up. He can tell Soobin is at war with himself. Soobin, so private where it counts, trying to change himself so Kai doesn’t have to. Kai likes him so much his chest hurts. 

“That’s sweet,” Soobin says, finally opening his eyes. “Tell him. It’s just Taehyun, anyway, right?” Soobin is still holding himself more tensely than usual, but the words come out easy and honest. 

“Right,” Kai says. He wouldn’t have pushed if Soobin had said no, but he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t relieved. And anyway, it really is just Taehyun, who’ll probably squeal with excitement with him before putting on his faux-hyung mask to tell Kai he’s happy for him. 

Kai lays back so that he’s shoulder-to-shoulder with Soobin. Their hands are touching, so Kai grabs Soobin’s right hand with his left to lock their fingers together. 

“Thank you,” Kai says, “I really—”

“It’s not something to thank me for,” Soobin says, quietly but almost frustrated, “I wish it wasn’t a big deal, but I just—”

“No, hyung, I get it,” Kai says. “I really do. Just let me thank you.”

Soobin looks over and hums. “Want to know how you can thank me?” His lips quirk up. He’s so embarrassing. 

Kai props himself up on his left elbow, their hands still clasped together. “How?” he asks, knowing the answer, eyes already tracing Soobin’s face. 

Soobin reaches up with his other hand to tangle his fingers in Kai’s hair, pulling him down to fit their mouths together. Kissing Soobin is like this: excitement and comfort combined, the sweetest contradiction. 

“You’ve gotten much better at this,” Soobin says a few minutes later, mouth moving a centimeter below Kai’s. “My teeth still hurt after that stunt you pulled the first time.” 

“ _Stop,_ ” Kai says, whining. He likes to think that night was perfect, imperfections and all, but he can admit that that had been rough. He thought that Soobin wouldn’t bring it up again, but they’ve always made fun of each other, and he’s glad that even this is fair game. “I was excited. Sue me.” 

“The fine’ll be one thousand kisses,” Soobin says. “With no teeth bumper cars,” he adds, pleased. _Embarrassing._

“No promises,” Kai says, laughing, “have you considered that maybe I just can’t control myself around you?”

“I can tell,” Soobin says, eyes crinkling. “I guess I don’t mind it.”

Kai still almost can’t believe that he’s here, half on top of Soobin, allowed to do whatever he wants. Able to say all these things he never thought he’d be able to say. 

Time passes like that, and when they walk back to the dorm, pressed together, Soobin’s hand holding his in the pocket of his hoodie, Kai feels like he’s made entirely of light. 

-

His and Taehyun’s bedroom is filled with music when Kai finishes washing up and slips inside. He and Taehyun have pretty different tastes in music, all of them do, but Kai likes the song he has on now, all soft guitar and swelling synths. It accentuates the weightlessness he’s been feeling since the practice room, that lingered even through the too-long variety filming. 

It gives him the push he needs, when Taehyun lifts his head up from his notebook and looks at him expectantly. They don’t even have to say anything to each other. They know.

Kai can’t stop himself from smiling. 

“You didn’t,” Taehyun says, smile growing alongside Kai’s. “He _didn’t._ ”

Kai puts his head in his hands, helpless giggles falling out. 

“Really? You’re not bullshitting me right now, are you?” Taehyun asks, smile audible even when Kai can’t see it.

Kai shakes his head, still laughing, hands still covering his face. 

“Choi Soobin finally took his head out of his ass,” Taehyun remarks with something that sounds like awe. “Miracles really do happen.”

Kai makes a noise. He didn’t think he’d be this embarrassed, not telling _Taehyun_ , but it’s like his body doesn’t know how to handle being this happy, and he doesn’t want to be too loud, so. Making embarrassing noises into his hands it is. 

“So what happened?” Taehyun asks, “or have you lost the ability to speak again?”

“No,” Kai says, finally removing his hands. His face must be so red. “It was after Inkigayo last week. That night. In the living room. He was acting so weird, you know, and after that morning I really thought he was going to—”

“I hope you aren’t about to say ‘reject you,’ because—”

“I didn’t know! And with the way you wouldn’t tell me anything after your walk with him…!” 

Kai was still awake when Taehyun came back that Saturday night, thoughts racing as he flopped around aimlessly in bed. He knew that Taehyun was out talking with Soobin, and he couldn’t stop himself from imagining the beats of their conversation. Would Soobin flat-out say something like “I don’t like him like that”? Or would he be silent, so weirded out by even imagining the things Kai’s been angling for? Or maybe they weren’t talking about him at all. Kai heaved a sigh, and then he heard the door open.

Taehyun shot him a quick glance before quickly and pointedly crossing the room. Kai considered his options. 

Technically, Kai had never said the words “I like him” when it comes to Soobin. He knows that Taehyun knows anyway. Which is why, despite how pathetic he must have seemed, he didn’t hesitate trying to get any information out of Taehyun that he could. 

Taehyun was silent, no matter how many questions Kai bombarded him with. 

He was about to give up, throwing out the “but you’re my best friend!” line as a last resort, when Taehyun said:

“I _know_ , Kai!”

Kai blinked, shocked.

Taehyun shook his head. “I said something to him that I shouldn’t have,” he said, finally. 

“Wh—”

“Just talk to him tomorrow,” Taehyun said, already turning away and getting ready for bed. 

And Kai did. And here they are now.

“Wait, what did you tell him?” Kai asks. “That you said you shouldn’t have,” he adds.

Taehyun suddenly looks apologetic. “I messed up,” he says, “I assumed you had already told Soobin you didn’t like girls, so I brought it up.” 

“Oh,” Kai says.

“I still feel really bad, I just—” Taehyun starts.

“No, don’t,” Kai says. If he’s being honest, he isn’t ecstatic about it, especially if the outcome hadn’t gone as well as it did, but these things happen. “Was he surprised?”

“Seemed like it,” Taehyun says. Kai’s almost surprised by Soobin’s surprise. He guesses he wasn’t as obvious as he thought. Or maybe Soobin only sees the things he wants to see. 

“Don’t worry about it, Taehyun,” Kai says, “honestly, it’s probably a good thing. Maybe it gave him an extra layer of surety he thought he needed, or something.” 

Taehyun hums. “Anyway, sorry for interrupting, but you weren’t _really_ expecting to get rejected, were you?” 

Kai pointedly stays quiet. He doesn’t say _Better safe than sorry._ Doesn’t say, _I had to break my own heart first, just in case._

Taehyun must sense his hesitation, because he lets it go and says, “Regardless. Finish your story.” 

Kai already forgot where he left off. “I don’t know how much detail you want, but—”

Taehyun makes a face. “I don’t know what kind of _detail_ you mean, but I don’t—”

“Ah! Stop!” Kai says. Not that much even happened, really, but Kai is still getting red again. Classic.

“Wait, you didn’t actually—”

“ _No,_ Taehyun, Jesus, I thought you said you were letting me finish.” Kai needs to get this conversation back on track before he explodes. 

“Sorry,” Taehyun says, not sounding sorry.

Kai doesn’t know why he’s still standing in the middle of the room. He sits himself down on Taehyun’s bed and continues. “We talked,” Kai says, “a lot. He...came out to me, I guess, and we…” How does he want to put this? “Worked through some of my misunderstandings.” Good enough.

“I’m glad you were able to talk it through rather than use your weird telepathy,” Taehyun says, like he and Kai don’t do the same thing. But Taehyun has often been the catalyst for him and Soobin to open up, so he guesses it makes sense that they should learn to use their words, for this thing that is theirs alone. 

“Me too,” Kai says. “And then, well, he started playing with my hair, and got really close to my face, and...”

Taehyun simultaneously looks like he’s on the edge of his seat and wants nothing more than for Kai to stop talking. “I think I can see where this is going,” he says.

“He kissed me,” Kai blurts out, even though, yeah, it is obvious. He just wants to say it.

“And how was it?” Taehyun asks.

“Good,” Kai says, other than the part where he got too overeager and bonked their faces together. Taehyun doesn’t need to know that. “It was…” _amazing, life-affirming, the most exciting thing I’ve ever done,_ “good.”

“Good,” Taehyun says, somehow both repeating Kai and a response. He has a fond smile on his face. Kai really doesn’t deserve him. “So you’re together now, right?”

Well. Kai wishes he had asked for more explicit confirmation, other than the soft hum he got in response to his whispered “So we’re doing this?” right before they nodded off to sleep. “This” presumably meaning “dating,” but it’s not like Soobin used that word. Not like he did either. But what else would they be doing?

At Kai’s extended pause, Taehyun looks up from where he’s changing the playlist on his phone to raise an eyebrow. 

“Yes,” Kai says. Was that convincing?

“You didn’t actually get to that part, huh.” Guess not.

“There was kind of a lot going on,” Kai says.

“I’m sure there was,” Taehyun says, blatant. The new song Taehyun put on sounds like EDM, and it’s making Kai’s head hurt. “I’m really flattered, but I don’t want to be your guys’ couples counselor. Just make sure you get a confirmation. Misunderstandings like this always lead to drama, and we really don’t need any of that right now.” 

“Noted,” Kai says, head down.

“But hey, look at me,” Taehyun says. Kai does. “I’m proud of you. Both of you. I know this wasn’t easy, and it probably won’t be at times in the future either, but you guys deserve this. I mean it. You seem really happy lately.”

If Kai was a weaker man, he honest-to-god might have teared up. But because Kai is who he is, he just puts his face in his hands again. “Thank you,” he mumbles. 

“You’re welcome,” Taehyun says.

-

He was on FaceTime with his mom the other day, his youngest sister butting in and out, when his mom told him, in her softest voice: _Kai-ya, I’m so proud of you. Have I told you that lately? I knew you’d be a good idol. You make all of us so happy._ The connection was bad, her image unstable and buffering, but the sincerity in her words was unmistakable. 

Kai almost doesn’t know what to do with it. Pride. 

-

Another day, another music show. Kai has a hard time keeping track—he has to wake up early most of the time regardless, whether it be for schedules or for school. He can’t wait to graduate, even if he doesn’t know how to feel about becoming an adult so soon. 

The hyungs in the group all wear their adulthood differently. Yeonjun, with practiced ease, the same way he does everything else. Beomgyu wears his like a jacket he forgot he even owned. Soobin’s, his is the heaviest—a uniform that he feels he has to constantly remind others that he has the right to wear. Maybe it’s the leader thing, too. 

Kai always tries his best to alleviate some of the weight. Usually, it’s mentally, playing games and having stupid debates that take them both out of their heads completely. Other times it’s physically—like now, taking Soobin’s warm weight as Kai piggybacks him through the long SBS halls, Soobin’s hair tickling the side of his neck as his arms try not to shake. 

Kai doesn’t mind his body, most of the time, but he also tries not to think about it much beyond the ways it serves him. This is one of the ways. 

Yeonjun had called his newfound growth spurts “gross” a little while back, and it was obviously a joke, he and Yeonjun joke with each other all the time, but it still stung him, unexpectedly. Everyone has an image of him: a baby, their baby. Is it an image that he’ll have to let go? Which new image will take its place? If he doesn’t look like a baby anymore, but he still acts the way he does, will people _really_ start to think it’s gross? Does aegyo have an expiration date? It’s not like he’s old, even, but he still doesn’t want to show the wrong image, doesn’t want to let people down—

“I’m falling,” Kai hears.

“Huh?” Kai says.

“You’re dropping me,” Soobin says, trying to shift upwards by himself. 

“Oh,” Kai says, and he leans forward to settle Soobin more securely on his back. 

“Where’d you go this time?” Soobin asks. “More cute aliens on Mars?”

“Stop indirectly enabling Beomgyu,” Kai says, “I don’t space out _that_ much.”

“Mm, you kind of do, though,” Soobin says, nuzzling his face into Kai’s neck. Everyone else is up further ahead, Soobin having decided to wait with Kai when he said he needed to use the bathroom before they left. “What were you thinking about?”

Kai said once that, after debuting, he decided to empty his head. To stop thinking. It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the entire truth either. He doesn’t think about the things he can’t fix, the things that don’t matter. Those are the things that really plagued him during his trainee days, when he cried twice a week like clockwork. He’s learned acceptance, for the most part.

But there are things—his role in the group, his role in people’s lives—that are so integral to his existence, it’s almost like he’s not actively thinking about them. They’re just always there. And so that’s where he goes sometimes. 

It’s not worth talking about. But it does remind him of something he needs to bring up, which is Taehyun’s comment last night. One step at a time.

“I was thinking about what we’re gonna have for dinner tonight,” Kai says. “Should we order in?”

“We basically always do,” Soobin says, laughing. “Bingsu after?”

“Your body mass is sixty percent bingsu, hyung,” Kai says.

Kai can feel Soobin’s pout on his neck. “So?” Soobin says, “I still have abs. And I thought you liked my tummy soft.” 

“I do—” Kai starts, feeling Soobin’s pout start to morph into a smile.

“You know, I think Yeonjun-hyung has been dieting to work on his abs lately, if that’s so important to you,” Soobin says, trying not to laugh, “I won’t be offended, I promise, but I don’t think he’s interested—”

Kai pretends to drop Soobin. It has the intended effect, and Soobin’s panicked shriek echoing through the hall makes him laugh so hard he almost _actually_ drops him, and Kai isn’t thinking about anything anymore. 

-

They do order Bingsu after, and for once, the other members deign to join them. (Minus Beomgyu, actually, who had stayed for about five minutes before saying he was full, and that he had a song he wanted to work on anyway.) Kai loves spending time with everyone like this; comfortable and surrounded by warmth on all sides. Even when Taehyun makes a horrific pun, and Yeonjun immediately slingshots a spoonful of fruit at him, missing completely and hitting Kai’s arm instead, Kai doesn’t stop smiling. 

Soobin is sitting across from him, sitting next to Yeonjun. He keeps touching, stroking, kicking Kai’s legs under the table. It’s completely unbearable, and not just because he’s ticklish and has to keep holding in his laughter, but because he can’t focus at all on what Yeonjun is trying to tell him. 

“—I think you might like it,” Yeonjun says. Another touch to the back of his calf. Kai suppresses a noise. “Are you even listening?” 

“Yes, sorry,” Kai says. “Why do you think I’d like it?” Kai asks, not sure what “it” is, hoping that Yeonjun hasn’t already elaborated. 

Yeonjun just sighs. “I watched this Western romance movie,” Yeonjun says, slowly, like he’s talking to a child. “I just thought you might like it, considering your newfound interest in romance.”

Kai feels Soobin’s foot freeze where it was tapping aimlessly on his. He sees Taehyun’s head turn out of the corner of his eye. Kai, naturally, starts giggling nervously. “What?”

“Did you forget what you asked me, like a month ago?” Yeonjun says. _“Hyung, how do you really know when you like someone?”_ Yeonjun imitates in his horrible Kai impression, the one that makes it sound like there’s something caught in his throat. “As if Kai’s ever been interested in anyone before.”

Silence. “Is that so?” Soobin says, purposefully light. Kai has no idea what his face looks like, because he’s physically unable to lift his gaze from the table.

“Yeah, it was cute as shit. Though I have no idea why he asked _me_ —doesn’t he usually go to you for random questions like that?” Yeonjun says, almost finished with his bowl. “Though I guess I do have more experience with the ladies,” he says, preening a little.

Kai hears Soobin breathe a laugh. “Guess you do,” he says. Kai forces himself to look up, and is surprised to see Soobin already looking back at him. 

Kai had completely forgotten he even asked Yeonjun that question. Mainly because the answer he received was so amazingly unhelpful ( _“Like, you just know, you know?”_ ), but also because it was done in a moment of weakness. It’s not that Kai didn’t already know he really liked Soobin, but that he was trying to convince himself out of it. Ultimately a fruitless endeavor, obviously, but he thought it was worth a try. 

Taehyun chimes in with a “Kai’s always liked all that cheesy stuff, though,” and Kai forgot that he was even here for a second, but he’s grateful for his ability to always seamlessly change the topic. “Remember when he forced us to watch Camp Rock?” Part ten thousand of Taehyun being the best friend ever, even though he’s definitely about to rag on his taste in movies. 

Kai had moved his attention to Taehyun when he spoke up, but now he turns back to Soobin as Taehyun and Yeonjun go back and forth on the merits of musical movies. Usually Kai would be right in the middle of the debate, but he can’t stop looking at Soobin’s face, trying to analyze the brightness of his eyes, the angle of his mouth. All the little things the face gives away. 

Taehyun and Yeonjun finally get bored a little while later. Yeonjun, spoon in his mouth, says, “I don’t even know what we’re talking about anymore. I’m heading to my room.” _Ah, Yeonjun and his single bedroom privileges,_ Kai thinks, irrationally, considering the fact he wouldn’t even want a room to himself anyway. But then again, with this new thing with Soobin, it would be nice to not have to relegate themselves to the living room when they want a moment to themselves. Maybe Soobin can start locking Beomgyu out as payback for all the times he ‘accidentally’ banished Soobin from their room. 

“Night, hyung,” Taehyun says. “Throw this away for me?” he says, handing Yeonjun his empty cup.

Yeonjun makes a noise but acquiesces. Kai tracks Yeonjun’s movements into the kitchen, as he turns down the hallway to his room. 

A moment of silence, after they hear the door close, and then:

“So can we finally talk about this?” Taehyun asks, looking between them with a mix of amusement and apprehension. 

Kai had mentioned that he told Taehyun to Soobin earlier, when everyone was distracted trying to get their orders in. Soobin had taken a deep breath, involuntary, but his eyes were soft as he nodded. 

“You two really have been gossiping, huh,” Soobin says, chewing on his spoon. 

“At least Kai was actually willing to spit it out,” Taehyun says, not unkindly, “it’s like pulling teeth with you sometimes, hyung.” 

How does Taehyun know them this well? It’s obvious that he doesn’t fault Soobin for it, but he’s always been a little too direct for him sometimes. 

“Sometimes it’s not your job to pull them,” Soobin says, still fiddling with the plastic. He doesn’t sound that upset, just a little distant, the way he does when he hasn’t had enough time to work things through in his head.

“I know that,” Taehyun says, suddenly sounding more serious. “I didn’t mean to imply otherwise. It’s just that Kai—” 

This isn’t going how Kai expected it would. Was Soobin that spooked by the possibility of Yeonjun knowing? Kai knows how he gets when people get a hold of something about him that hasn’t been carefully crafted, hasn’t been held up to the light to check for cracks. 

“It’s fine, Taehyunnie,” Soobin says, dropping his spoon back into the empty cup. “I think I’m just tired. I’m gonna wash up first.”

He goes. Kai drops his head to the table. 

“Is this what it’s like to have a boyfriend?” Taehyun asks. Kai likes that word so much. _Boyfriend._ He wants to hear it from Soobin’s mouth, in a context that isn’t so confusing. 

“I’m gonna,” Kai gestures behind him.

“Go ahead,” Taehyun says.

Kai can hear the shower running in the bathroom, but he knocks anyway. “Hyung?” he says.

Soobin opens the door, all his clothes still on, steam escaping into the hallway. 

“Planning to wash you and your clothes?” Kai says.

Soobin smiles a little. “For some reason I had a feeling you’d come.” 

_Waiting for me?_ Kai wants to say, extra faux-seductively on purpose to make Soobin laugh. But he wants more to be serious, this once. 

“Are you okay?” Kai asks instead, and immediately regrets. He has eyes, and the way Soobin’s hands are white-knuckled around the counter is evidence enough. “Sorry, that was...”

“It’s fine,” Soobin says, but doesn’t elaborate. Kai is leaning against the wall, Soobin against the sink, the cramped bathroom leaving maybe half a meter between them.

“Is it Yeonjun?” Kai asks, finally. “You know he—” 

“I just—I don’t know why I’m like this,” Soobin interrupts, suddenly frustrated, “I know Yeonjun wouldn’t even care! He’d be insufferable about it but he wouldn’t _care,_ but my stomach still dropped and I—“

“No, hyung, I get it—”

“Do you?” Soobin asks, finally meeting his eyes. 

That stings. “Of course I do,” Kai says, “it’s the both of us together in this, isn’t it? You’re not going through any of this alone.” 

Soobin doesn’t speak for a moment. The shower is, of course, still running. The steam making the mirror fog up. 

“Sometimes I don’t know if I can do this,” Soobin says. The words are almost whispered, but they sound so loud. “This is such a little thing, and I still…”

“Soobin—” 

“Maybe you deserve someone else,” Soobin continues, “someone with less to lose. Maybe they wouldn’t be so scared about people—”

Kai almost can’t keep up. “I don’t need people to know—”

“You were clearly annoyed enough to tell Taehyun I didn’t want him to know,” Soobin says. “Pulling teeth?”

Wait. “I didn’t tell him that,” Kai says. “What? Where did you even get that from?”

Soobin is blinking rapidly, breathing more heavily than usual. “He said…” 

“Have you forgotten that Taehyun just knows everything?” Kai says. His heart is racing, and it really is harder to breathe with all the steam. 

“God,” Soobin says, “sorry. I just—”

“Freaked out?” Kai says, softly. “I get it.” Soobin doesn’t look frustrated anymore, but he looks lost. Afraid, still. 

So Kai continues, “Will you believe me when I tell you that I understand? I might act...dumb, sometimes, but—”

“Don’t say that,” Soobin says, looking contrite. “You’re not. Not when it matters.”

Kai’s going to be happy about that compliment later, when he can breathe properly. “Regardless, I just need you to know. This isn’t just...fun and games to me. It’s not something to gossip about. I’m serious about this,” Kai says. “About you.”

Soobin’s face is pink from the heat. The dampness; the loud, constant sound of water hitting tile makes Kai feel like he’s in a rainforest. They’re standing so close together, their eyes the same height. _I really have grown,_ Kai thinks, moving even closer. 

Soobin reaches out with a hand on Kai’s wrist. Always reaching for each other, even when they’ve already made it. Still so many mountains to climb. 

Soobin chose him, despite it all, and that means that sometimes Kai needs to be brave for the both of them. 

“I want this,” Kai says, “for as long as you’ll have me.” He’s so, so embarrassed, but he needs to do this. He doesn’t want Soobin to always be taking the lead. They’re marked by reciprocity. Give and take. 

The heat must really be getting to his head, because he doesn’t think he’s seen anything as beautiful as Soobin in this moment. Hair stuck to his forehead, eyes bright through the steam, mouth awed. 

“Me too,” Soobin says, quietly, “I’m sorry about all this. I didn’t mean it, earlier.” Sometimes Kai is so relieved that neither of them have any qualms about apologizing to the other. He can’t imagine a conversation like this with someone he doesn’t know in and out, someone he doesn’t know will still love him at the end of it. 

“I know,” Kai says, even though he didn’t. 

“I wanted to be the one to ask you,” Soobin says, “officially.” 

“To ask me what?” Kai says, feigning ignorance. He’ll let Soobin have this one. 

Soobin’s eyes crinkle. “Hueningie,” he says. A shake of the head. “Kai,” he starts again. “Will you be my boyfriend?” 

The water is still so loud, but the words are clear, nestling comfortably in Kai’s ribs, near his heart. “Obviously,” Kai says, unable to give a normal response when he feels so lightheaded. 

“ _Obviously,_ he says,” Soobin repeats, laughing through his visible nerves. “I guess it is obvious that you’re obsessed with me, but…”

“Do you have to be annoying even in a situation like this?” Kai asks, not meaning it in the slightest. Maybe he is obsessed with Soobin. Whatever. He knows it’s mutual. 

“You want to be my boyfriend anyway,” Soobin says, _"obviously. "_ His voice stutters, just slightly, on the word ‘boyfriend,’ but he looks happy. Relieved. 

“Can I kiss you?” Kai asks.

“You don’t have to ask every time, you know,” Soonin says, smiling, hand on Kai’s wrist moving to wrap around his waist. His other hand comes up and pushes Kai’s sweaty hair off his forehead. 

“I think you might be obsessed with my forehead,” Kai says, needing to comment. “Does it make me look that much more handsome?” He pushes Soobin’s hair up, so that they’re matching. Honestly, he always thinks Soobin looks handsome, so it doesn’t make much of a difference, but it is nice to see more of his face. 

“You always look handsome,” Soobin says. Ah. Jinx. “I just like it,” he says, eyes tracing Kai’s face. “I like being able to look.”

Kai has his hands on either side of Soobin on the counter. One of the few times he appreciates his body’s insistence to keep growing—his ability to trap Soobin like this, to keep them both where they want to be. 

“I like it when you look at me,” Kai says, because they’re being honest. The atmosphere in the bathroom is so strange, he feels like he could be anywhere, could say anything. 

Kai watches Soobin take a deep breath. Watches him lean forward until he goes cross-eyed, until their lips touch. Kai closes his eyes, and lets himself feel. 

Soobin kisses him breathless, as if he had any breath left to spare in the first place. They kiss open-mouthed, sharing what little air they have. He uses the hand on Kai’s waist to press them flush together, the other hand still tangled in his hair. Soobin’s mouth is so warm. Everything is so warm. 

When Soobin finally separates their mouths to let them both breathe, he does it by pulling Kai’s hair, not particularly gently. Kai makes an embarrassing noise, breath catching. Soobin looks like he’s struck gold. 

“Oh?” Soobin says, eyes glittering. 

“Don’t,” Kai says, face burning.

“Hm,” Soobin says.

Kai feels like he’s going crazy, looking at Soobin’s pleased expression, his pink mouth. He leans forward to capture it again, making sure not to be too eager this time. He wants to do something to catch Soobin off guard, too, so after a minute, he gently turns Soobin’s face to the left, begins trailing kisses down the long slope of his neck. He can feel Soobin’s breathing go shallow against his chest. Soobin’s hands are still in his hair, scratching and pulling at intervals. 

Each of Soobin’s tiny sighs are lighting up parts of his brain he didn’t even know existed. He feels like a live wire. And it’s like the running water is just white noise, like sound doesn’t exist outside of this world they’ve created. When Kai tilts his head to bite right below Soobin’s ear, hand gripping his hip bone, Soobin makes an _ah_ sound that’s going to haunt Kai for the rest of his life. 

Before he can do it again, Kai is suddenly pushed back, not roughly, but his shoulder blade almost hits the towel rack. Kai lifts his head up, surprised, and Soobin touches their foreheads together, hand on the wall behind him, as if he needs it to stay upright.

“Enough,” Soobin says. Kai’s never heard him sound like this before, so affected. He almost can’t believe it’s the same person who got so unbelievably heated debating whether cereal is a soup or not that he wouldn’t talk to Taehyun for five hours afterwards. (Taehyun was right. It’s obviously not.) 

But it is the same person. And this is just another side to him, a side Kai never thought he’d be able to see, the unmade swatches on the backside of a painting. Kai wants it all. 

But maybe not right now. 

“Too much?” Kai says, catching his breath as much as he can.

“You’re going to kill me,” Soobin says, not looking away.

That shouldn’t make him as pleased as it does. He must look ridiculous right now—sweaty, hair all over the place, dopey smile. But Soobin’s pupils are still blown, and he looks like…

“I still need to shower,” Soobin says. “We’re hiking up the water bill.”

“Let them pay it,” Kai says, brain-to-mouth filter not working. He’s usually nicer than this. 

Soobin raises his eyebrows. “Bold,” he says, laughing a little. “Are you gonna turn into a bad boy now?” 

“Do you want me to?” Kai says. What?

Soobin laughs for real, dropping his head to Kai’s shoulder. “No,” Soobin says, “I like you just like this.”

-

Kai finally ends up extracting himself from Soobin’s arms a few minutes later, opening the door and goosebumps rising on his arms in the cold air. In the kitchen, the light is still on, but everything has been cleaned up and put away. _Kang Taehyun,_ Kai thinks, fondly.

Kai doesn’t bother knocking on their shared bedroom door before going in. He doesn’t know what he’s going to say to Taehyun—doesn’t want to say anything on Soobin’s behalf without him being here. It’s probably a conversation they need to have alone, anyway. 

Taehyun glances up at his entrance, quickly, then does a double take. He makes a noise somewhere between a gasp and a laugh. Kai makes a confused face before realizing. _Oh._ He was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he didn’t even register how he must look to Taehyun right now. Kai reaches up and tries to fix his hair, though it’s clearly a lost cause. 

“I—” Kai starts.

“I really don’t need to know,” Taehyun says, face slightly pink. “But Soobin’s okay, I assume?” 

“Yeah,” Kai says, smiling, “I think so.”

“I’ll talk to him,” Taehyun says, before Kai can even mention it. 

“Did you know that you’re the best?” Kai asks.

“Yes,” Taehyun says, deadpan, but he’s smiling, too.

-

There was a time, not even that long ago, when Kai would have shied away at the first sign of an obstacle. It took years of training for the idea to be hammered into his head: that good things, the things that are worth it, they take work. He’d always rather count his losses and live with them; has never been the type to push forward relentlessly like Taehyun, or even Beomgyu. 

He almost didn’t make it here in the first place—had planned to give up if the last audition with his sister didn’t work out. And, well, it didn’t. But he made it here anyway. Alone. 

But not for long. 

It was Soobin who approached him first, and after Kai stopped thinking this handsome older trainee was trying to pull a prank on him, they were inseparable. It was easy, it was so easy. Kai had never had a friend like this before, moving around so much. He didn’t feel worthy. Doesn’t, still, sometimes. But that’s another of those things he works hard not to think about anymore. 

If they were the only two people on earth, it would be easy now, still. But there are so many eyes. 

-

Kai doesn’t mind interviews. Honest. In the grand scheme of things they have to do as idols, this really isn’t so bad. They don’t make his body hurt, and the stakes are lower than when they’re actually interacting with fans. But sometimes the questions can be, well. You know.

“Ideal type?” Kai repeats, stuttering slightly. He’s not sure why he got stuck with this question, when the host asked Beomgyu an innocuous, “Favorite artist these days?” But sometimes that’s life. 

“I haven’t really thought about it,” he says, finally. He’s the maknae. That’s allowed, right?

“Ah, but your fans must be so curious!” the host says. “If you had to pick something?”

“Um,” Kai says, mind racing. He can be genuine. Just don’t look around. “Someone I can laugh with,” he says. A beat. “Someone I can be honest with.” 

The host looks pleased that she got an answer, but also like she was expecting something else, her hands tapping on the cue card. “What about appearance-wise, Huening Kai-ssi?”

“Um,” Kai says, again. He wasn’t lying when he said he really hadn’t thought about it. But now, when he does, all he can think about is—

“I think we’re good,” Kai hears their manager say from off camera. “This isn’t really Huening Kai’s image, anyway.” 

“Of course,” the host says, before continuing on to the next question like nothing happened. Kai takes a deep breath. He doesn’t mind interviews. Really. But press day is always so long. Thank god this is one of the last ones. They don’t even have a break between interviewers, and the sun is almost set before they’re free to go. 

They won some snacks during one of the games, and the ride back home is filled with the sound of tearing plastic and laughter. They’re always louder when they’re overtired. Yeonjun is complaining about the scoring in one of the challenges, Beomgyu lamenting the way his voice cracked not once but _twice,_ Soobin wheeze-laughing as he tries to imitate him, and Taehyun listening intently for the right time to chime in with one of his jokes, cracking them all up. It’s comfort, plain and simple, even if Kai still feels a little bit rattled. 

“I definitely got the short end of the stick,” Beomgyu says, once he’s finished violently attacking Soobin for his poor imitation. “What even is ‘sexy aegyo’? Isn’t that a…” Silence. 

“Oxymoron?” Taehyun offers.

“Yes!” Beomgyu says, equal parts relieved and annoyed that Taehyun got there before him. “Like, I know my charms are endless, but—”

“Hueningie had it pretty rough, too,” Yeonjun says, cutting Beomgyu off. He continues over Beomgyu’s token protest: “I don’t know what it is with Kai and romance these days.”

Beomgyu stops and makes a confused noise, nose wrinkling. “Kai and romance?”

“Oh, that’s right, you missed it because you’re glued to your guitar,” Yeonjun says, rolling his eyes. “I brought it up when we were eating bingsu. Kai asked me for romance advice a few weeks ago.”

Okay, that’s a stretch. He wasn’t _asking for advice,_ not really. But Yeonjun was appealing to Beomgyu’s dramatic side, and the way Beomgyu turns to look at Kai with a shit-eating grin means that he succeeded. 

“Is our little Kai all grown up?” Beomgyu asks, mock-aghast. “Your answer during that interview _was_ surprisingly mature, even if you stumbled your way through it.”

Kai has been pretending to be intently focused on his phone, but he can’t exactly ignore Beomgyu, who’s turned around 180 degrees in his seat to stare directly at him.

“That’s a safety hazard, hyung,” Kai says. “If we crash you’ll break your neck.”

Beomgyu squints. “You really are trying to be more mature,” Beomgyu says, looking like he’s trying to put pieces together in his head. “Is she older?”

Kai very deliberately doesn’t move his gaze to Soobin, sitting ahead in the seat next to Beomgyu. His head is down, and he’s still as a statue. 

What’s the easiest way out, here? If this was a normal situation, he knows Soobin would have intervened already, at the first sign of Kai’s genuine discomfort. The way it is, though, that would make it worse. Obvious. 

“Are you jealous?” Kai says, trying to be flippant, hoping that it’ll be enough to get Beomgyu spluttering and off his back. 

“Is there actually something for me to be jealous about?” Beomgyu asks, loud. Kai should have known—Beomgyu like this is a dog with a bone, unable to let things go. He’s sensitive, but his threshold for chaos is surprisingly high, and he sometimes forgets that others aren’t the same. 

“No way,” Yeonjun says. Kai is offended for half a second before the relief hits. “With what time? Unless he has a little online girlfriend on one of his games.”

He can hear Taehyun snort next to him through Beomgyu’s laughter. Traitor. 

“Cute,” Beomgyu says, annoyingly, like he doesn’t spend even more time gaming than Kai does. “When can we meet her?”

This sort of teasing is an easy out, if nothing else. “Very funny,” Kai says. “See if I invite you to the wedding.”

Beomgyu chokes on another laugh, Yeonjun starts going off about who would have the honor to be invited to _his_ wedding, and Kai watches Soobin relax, interval by interval. 

Just another day.

-

A different day, years ago: 

Kai is staying behind for solo dance practice, because he needs it. He can’t track the beat properly, and his left leg keeps lagging behind. He doesn’t know why he decided to do this for the monthly evaluation, when dancing has never been his strength. 

Their dance trainer is a severe looking man in his thirties, but he’s the type of guy whose exterior doesn’t match the interior, as he’s been nothing but patient with Kai. At this point, though, their twentieth run-through, Kai can tell even he’s getting frustrated. 

“I’m sorry,” Kai pants out, his most formal Korean even when he can barely breathe. “I don’t know why I…” he trails off. 

“Why you?” the trainer prompts.

“Chose this song,” Kai says, after deliberating. “I thought I could do it, but—”

“Well, you clearly thought you could do it for a reason,” he says, not unkindly. “Do you not trust yourself?”

Kai is quiet.

“It takes work, Kai-ya, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth it,” he says. “It doesn’t mean it’s any less honest.” 

Now, Kai has learned to apply this principle in his training. The other areas of life are messier—you’re not just working for a perfect final product, but trying to assemble a future you can live in, one that won't collapse around you. You need to wake up every day and choose to be honest, as much as you can. Choose to put in the work, for the things that are worth it. 

-

Soobin catches him before bed, peeking out from his empty bedroom, Beomgyu off doing god knows what—late night practice, probably, or harassing Taehyun. Either way, Soobin pulls him into their room, lights dim, door clicking behind them. There’s a girl group song playing from his phone, but he turns it off before Kai can parse what it is. 

Soobin goes to sit on his bed, laying back against the pillows and patting the space next to him. It’s a twin, and they barely fit, but they’ve done this hundreds of times. It’s even easier now, actually, because he doesn’t have to worry about all the tiny places their bodies touch. 

“Bit of a weird day,” Soobin says, staring at the ceiling. 

“Yeah,” Kai says, staring at Soobin. 

Soobin turns, slightly, meeting Kai’s eyes. “So am I invited to the wedding?”

Kai furrows his eyebrows. “Don’t be stupid,” he says. “Even if I wasn’t…” A pause. “Even if I liked girls, too, I wouldn’t…”

“Sorry, I know,” Soobin says, closing his eyes. “You did a good job, earlier, during the interview. And in the car.” 

Kai makes a noise, pleased at the praise, but still thinking about Soobin’s comment. “I’m serious, hyung, I don’t even—”

“I know,” Soobin says, again. “I’m being ridiculous. Ignore me.”

“Kind of cute that you’re so jealous, though,” Kai says, trying to lighten the mood. 

Soobin laughs a little. “Sorry, I’m just trying to imagine you with a girlfriend—” 

“Hey!” Kai says, not really offended, because honestly, he can’t imagine it either. Soobin still sounds a little uncertain though, like he’s not sure he can joke about this sort of thing yet. 

Kai looks at his socked feet at the end of the bed, legs stretched alongside Soobin’s, waiting for him to speak up again.

“When did you know?” Soobin asks, quietly. “I’ve been wanting to ask.” 

“Which part?” Kai asks.

“That you were gay,” Soobin says, after a moment, like he wants to make up for Kai’s inability to say the word earlier. It’s the first time he’s heard Soobin say it. 

Kai thinks: Is it completely embarrassing to say _ever since I met you,_ even if it’s true? Probably. He says it anyway. 

Soobin wrinkles his nose, adorably, opening his eyes again. “I’m being serious,” he says, though he looks pleased. 

“I am too,” Kai says. It’s not his fault that they met at such a formative time in his life. “I was, what, fourteen? I didn’t know anything before that.” 

Soobin hums, smiling. “To be expected,” he says. 

Well, Kai definitely just gave Soobin more fodder to tease him with. Nowadays, though, he finds he doesn’t mind it much at all. He continues: “And then I just...never became interested in girls, like everyone else around me was.”

“Not everyone,” Soobin says, quietly, shifting from laying on back to his side, so he can see Kai easier. 

“No, not everyone,” Kai repeats just as softly. “When did you…?”

Soobin takes a moment. “I kind of feel like I always knew,” he says, “even if it didn’t really make sense to me until...the end of middle school, maybe?” He looks like he’s remembering something, and then shakes it away. “It’s not...easy,” Soobin says. “For me.”

“I think my family might know,” Kai says, “or at least assume.”

“What?” Soobin says. “You haven’t—”

“Ah, no, I haven’t said anything,” Kai says. “I just have a feeling.” He probably doesn’t have to elaborate on why that would be. 

“Does that bother you?”

“Not really.” Kai works pretty hard not to let things bother him. He knows Soobin is the same, even if things slip through the cracks a little more easily for him. “I don’t really think about it.” 

“Typical,” Soobin says, a quick smile before he continues. “Nowadays I feel like I can’t stop thinking about it. Especially my family, for some reason, despite the fact that I barely see them anymore.” 

“That makes sense,” Kai says. “They’re your family.” _Way to state the obvious,_ Kai thinks, but Soobin doesn’t say anything. 

“It’s just...my brother, especially, he always—” Soobin abruptly cuts himself off. “Nevermind.”

With Soobin, Kai has always known when to back off and when to pry. It took some trial and error, but like with everything else, they’re uniquely matched in their understanding of each other. For something like this, Soobin will tell him at his own pace. Maybe not tonight, but eventually. 

“I used to want a brother,” Kai says. “A little one, actually.”

“Really?” Soobin says. It’s always nice to bring up something that he hasn’t already told Soobin. His ears perk up like a cat’s. Or like a bunny’s. All his attention on him. 

“Yeah,” he says. “I think I wanted someone to look up to me? Since my younger sister already had Lea.” 

“I wouldn’t have expected that,” Soobin says, relaxed now that the focus is off of him. “I probably will have to look up to you next year. Literally.”

“Agh, stop,” Kai says, lightly hitting Soobin’s arm. “I really don’t want to get any taller.”

“I don’t think it’s so bad,” Soobin sing-songs. “Now I get to cash in on all those times I had to carry _you_ around.” 

Kai won’t admit that that almost feels like a perk to him, too—being strong and steady enough to be leaned on. There’s a sense of pride in it, too, a feeling that still makes him elated and uncertain in equal measure. He won’t say that, but he wants to push his luck anyway.

“Is that the only reason you don’t think it’s so bad?” Kai says.

Soobin looks shocked for a second before it melts into amusement. “Oh, you know me, always looking for a big, strong guy to throw me around,” he says, trying not to laugh but failing. “You fit the bill perfectly, Hueningie!”

Regret. Kai turns onto his stomach, his face mashed into the pillow, and makes a pained noise. Suddenly Soobin’s laughter is right up against his ear, Soobin scooting closer to throw a leg over Kai’s. “I’m joking,” Soobin says, breath against his cheek. 

“Why are you like this,” Kai says. 

“You love me,” Soobin says. It’s something he’s said before, dozens of times, but it feels different, now. Kai can tell Soobin realizes too because, a second later, he freezes in place half-above him.

Well. Not like there’s any use denying it. “I do,” Kai says, trying to be casual, lifting and turning his head to look Soobin in the eyes. 

Soobin’s mouth is parted, just slightly. The same sort of quiet awe he saw in the bathroom. “Me too,” he says. Neither of them saying the words exactly, but the meaning loud and clear. The air electric between them. 

“Ah,” Soobin says after a second, putting all of his weight on Kai, now. Kai makes an _oof_ sound. “I’m so…” A pause. “Is it possible to be so happy and so scared at the same time?”

“I know the feeling,” Kai says. “You’re also crushing me.” 

Soobin puts even more weight on him, just to be annoying, then rolls off onto his back. “Come here.” Grabby hands. 

Kai shuffles over, leans over Soobin. “I’m here,” he says. Hands on Kai’s waist.

Soobin looks like he’s debating something. “Thank you,” he says, after a while. “I know this whole thing isn’t...simple, or easy—”

“If I had to choose,” Kai interrupts, face heating, “an easy life in black and white, or a difficult life that I had to work to color in, I’d choose the hard work,” he says. “Every time.” 

Kai doesn’t know if that metaphor made any sense, but Soobin’s looking up at him like he’s the only thing in the room.

“So I’m your color?” Soobin says, so fond and so bright. “Is this the type of romance you said I should be looking forward to?”

“Maybe,” Kai says, hand on Soobin’s chest. “You like it, right?”

“I’ll never admit a thing,” Soobin says, but his eyes say _Yes,_ say _Tell me more._

And so Kai does, and they keep trying, and the world keeps spinning—deliberately, beautifully.

**Author's Note:**

> T__T 
> 
> thank you for reading<3 comments are always dearly appreciated!!


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